VCCA Home Forums GENERAL DISCUSSION General Discussions Best one-liner you know?

I intend to live forever....So far, so good. :grin:

Stupid Answer:

Radio Host: In 1863, which American president gave the Gettysburg Address?

Contestant: I don't know. It was before I was born.

:confused: :o

Quotes from Will Rogers:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

....and some more from Will....

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car

A news anchor in Canada said the following on a news broadcast:

"The Nova Scotia government has come up with a clear plan to combat tourism."

She meant to say "terrorism" instead.

:o :cry:

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

:confused:

Auction on eBay for a satin dress reads:

"Vintage party dress, feels like Satan".

:o :confused:

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

:grin:

Another brilliant statement from George W. Bush:

"Iran is a country where people are not free to exercise."

:confused: :confused:

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

© Infringement

Junkyard Dog steals 1/2 of his one-liners from
"365 of the Stupidest Things Ever Said" calendar.
© 2007 Ross & Kathryn Petras
Workman Publishing Company
www.workman.com

He's the JYD so he can steal them anywhere he wants.

I'll have to say what the heck? did anyone think a Mangy old Mutt, or any of us here use only our original material...Who do you think we are carbon copies of Milton Berle or David letterman? I am glad to see one liners from any good source.

Did you hear the one about the old Lady in the nurseing home that.....OOps I done forgot!

Even Letterman has writers.....even Letterman almost got in trouble with them when they were on strike!!!




Hey onetime

"if you mated a bulldog and a shitzu, would it be called a Bullsh**??

A penny saved is a government oversight.

:o

"I think I have reached my sexperation date"

"When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself."

:o

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

:o :confused:

"People our age can still enjoy an active and passionate sex life--provided we get cable or that dish thing!!"

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

:) :grin:

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

"The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends."

:o :cry: :(

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
:confused: :grin: