VCCA Home Forums GENERAL DISCUSSION General Discussions Best one-liner you know?

JYD, we found that most of the passengers started to hold on before they started screaming...LOL... :eek:

I want to die like my 92 year old Grandpa, he just went to sleep... But not like the five other people riding with him, they went to their maker screaming at the top of their lungs...... "Wake up you damned old fool!"

I knew him!
I was a survivor.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got
married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home!'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome"
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...
.
.
.
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh


No pun in ten did.

GOTCHA!

Those are great Bill, you had me LOL...

Let me add 1; "there was a fire chief who named his twins;

Hosa and Hose B".

ROFLOL!!!!
The young cannibal Told his wife he didn't like his mother-in-law. The wife shouts back "So shut up and eat your veggies."

I think we've all been working too long with the engine running and the garage door closed

Nope......only Macky Wacky!

An Old Rancher's Advice:


* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground


with sticks, it was called witchcraft..


Today, it's called golf

"There once was a mouse that lived in a house.
And, in that house there was a louse.
When the mouse went to get some cheese,
The trap snapped......and he squeezed!"

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

Life is not like a bowl of cherries or peaches... It's more like a jar of Jalapenos. What you do today can burn your #** tomorrow.

Actual one liner state "slogans":

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the S
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes. And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Women and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl. It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Religion Is Better Than Your Religion
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family. Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men And The Women Are Glad.

neat set JYD. note the Maryland best liner. we live out in the country up in the mountains of western maryland on a 250 year old farm--you know, well for water and septic systems for the toilet discharge. the lawmakers in annapolis just recently decided to impose a "Flushing Tax" for the whole state to help keep the Chesapeake bay less toxic. 30 bucks a year if the resident is on a septic system, about 100 bucks a year if your toilet empties into a municipal sewerage system . now they're taxing ****. mike in maryland.

ai guess you all understand it when someone says"They are taxing the **** out of us!"

...guess you all understand it when someone says"They are taxing the **** out of us!"

I guess......

you've got a hair trigger on that computer of yours!!!

:eek:

Bill.

"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."

:eek:

I'd say the "best" one liner today would be:

"Happy Thanksgiving!!"

Lord knows there's lots that could be better in our country; B-U-T it's WAY ahead of whatever's in 2nd place!!!

Bill.

"Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding!" :eek: :eek:

JYD I'm from New Jersey. About the motto, you gotta #$@%*'n problem wit dat?

Okay, in the spirit of things. Here are a couple more.

New Jersey, Not all of our politicians have been indidted.

New Jersey, Only the strong survive

New Jersey, Politics is not the only thing that sucks in Trenton

New Jersey, You gotta a problem wit dat?

New Jersey, Where you don't have to be God to walk on the water.

New Jersey, We don't meed no #&%*'n motto.

Happy Thanksgiving

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

You can't soar with the eagels if your working with turkeys.

Regardless of when the bars close in your state.....

"They're all TENS at closing time!"