OPEN AT YOUR OWN RISK.
I was thinking the other day about glove boxes in old Chevrolets. I was wondering when Chevrolets started having them. I had always thought they were meant for "driving gloves" only. Now there is everything crammed in there. Kind of like a woman's purse.
Speaking of purses. I was out shopping with my wife the other day and she saw a new frock she wanted to get a better look at. She asked me to hold her purse for a moment. It was not a real big purse. it was about the size you see most women toting around. Anyway that thing like to have pulled my arm out my shoulder socket. You know what I mean? She's got a "ton" of stuff in there.
So, my curiosity having gotten the better of me, after she'd gone to sleep that night, I sneaked her purse out to the den and took inventory. (Well, they sneak a look through our wallets and pockets, right?) Now what could make it so heavy? Hmmm? An inventory revealed the following:
a. 5 different shades of lipstick. One a hot red I've never seen on her. Hmm?
b. Two small boxes of tissue.
c. Two compacts. What does she need two for?
d. Seven opened and unopened packs of chewing gum.
e. A PEZ dispenser filled with breath mints.
f. Some female stuff (unmentionables)
g. A tube of pepper spray.
h. A referee's whistle on a chain.
i. A GI type, two "D" cell "L" shape flashlight. It worked.
j. An unopened 4-pack of "D" size Duracell batteries. Spares, I guess.
k. An 8-pack of "AA" Duracell batteries (two missing)
l. A small, thick album of pictures of our grandchildren. Why? They're all ugly, anyway. Who is interested in looking at pictures of another person's grandchildren? Give me a break. (maybe a GRIN is needed here)
m. A 1911 model Colt 45. Loaded. I didn't know she even had a permit.
n. A wallet containing credit cards, driver's license, etc.
o. A 45 Colt magazine. Loaded. In case she misses me with the first magazine, I guess. She figures I'll try dodging some. Wrong.
p. A small penknife.
q. A coin pouch. Full of change. They always count out up thru 99 cents so they don't have to break a dollar. It's true. Take notice the next time a woman pays cash at the grocery.
r. $36.00 dollars, cash money.
s. Two one-hundred dollar bills. They were hidden behind her driver's license. Hmmm. Is that what they call "Mad Money?"
t. A pen and a small note book with a lot of phone numbers I didn't recognize.
u. Two packs of BC powder. She has suffered headaches ever sense our wedding day. Especially at bed time. Poor thing.
v. A cellphone.
w. A box of Goobers and two packs of square nabs.
x. A finger nail file and a "TRIM" set of trimmers.
y. Assorted medical products and prescription pills. You know.
z. One foil pack with something round inside. (What tha-?!)
aa. Both (and only) sets of her car's keys.
There you have it. Everything from "a" to "z," so to speak. If you don't believe me about the above list, then do your own inventory of your wife's purse. She probably won't mind but why take the chance of asking. Do it clandestinely. More fun.
Yes, men, I tell you, they have enough nonessential stuff in there to last a year without replenishing a thing. That's why their purses weigh so much. And, that's why its something they will never willingly give up. Not without a fight. Its always been that way. You ever notice that in the old Westerns you would never see a pioneer woman's purse beside the dusty, dry, sandy trail? Oh, you'd see a broken wheel, an empty water barrel, an ox scull with horns a-sticking out of it, a vanity, a piano stool, even a piano now and then, but never, never have you seen a woman's purse. Nope. That's because those movie folk did their homework. No documented cases of purses ever being left behind. You see?
Visualize this: On a lonely trail under desert conditions, back in the summer of circa 1847 a wagon is poking along out across the desert sand, one ox and a husband and wife. She's young and gorgeous. She's had voice lessons and can read music. She's riding in the drivers position. She's got a parasol. She also has the bull whip. Jethro and the ox stop. The water is almost gone. Jethro wipes the sweat off his brow and wrings out his soggy hat. He staggers. His mouth is so cottony that he hasn't spit in the last three days.
Jethro: "Sarah Sue. Honey, we've just got to lighten the load. With one ox left on the one side and with me yoked to the other, with two hubs a-squeaking and me right out here in the hot, hot sun ain't a-gonna get it no longer. We're all gonna die.
If we can just make it the next ten, long hard miles to that watering hole and the town called "Sweetwater" marked on the map, then we'll be OK. Else we're toast.
So I've figured it all out. We need to lighten the load by about thirty pounds. Your purse sitting up beside you comes close to that, I'd wager and is the only nonessential thing we've got thats not already discarded. Even our marriage license was in your hope chest we tossed a hundred miles back. You must toss your purse beside the trail as well honey, if we're going to have any chance at all. Otherwise we're just not gonna make it."
He whines and pleads on. "If you give it up then we might make it. I simply cannot push another step. And, with what water's left, and figuring the weight of your purse, both of us just can't make it. That's all there is to it."
Sarah Sue: "Well, you just step aside and let me get down, sweetie." She does so and gets the yoke on. "Now, you just wait over yonder in the shade of that yonder cactus. After I get to town, I'll get some nice young fellers to come back to get you. Promise. But this here purse of mine goes where I go, Got it?"
Thus, Research has revealed many men's bones beside the trails. But not many women's bones. Alone that is. And, none without the discovery of their purses nearby.
So back to the glove box. Check your wife's purse and her car's glove box. It'll be full. Nice thing those "glove" boxes. Huh?
Best,
Charlie
BTW: It may not be a good idea to ever reveal our secret. So please don't show this post to your wives. Or let her know that you made a meaningless, courtesy inventory of her purse. If you do plan on telling her, you may first want to remove the gun.
BTW2: My deep apologies to all descendants of our pioneers. I made light of serious, hard times and lives. We owe them our respect. I hope my remarks are not taken in an offensive way. There was no slight intended.
