VCCA Home Forums GENERAL DISCUSSION General Discussions Best one-liner you know?

"Political advertising ought to be stopped. It's the only really dishonest kind of advertising that's left."

:o :cry:

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

:o :( :cry:

"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."

"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people."

:o :grin:

"Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home." :o :cry:

"The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop." :confused: :/

Tips well worthwhile to heed!!
With the holidays close by here are some Holiday Eating Tips. Have yourself

a traditionally angst-filled strange little Norman Rockwell disaster..

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for
me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk
or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it.. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This isthe time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near
them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the
center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave
them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three.When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some
standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved
body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the
other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,
"WOO HOO what a ride!"

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret!?

Know what I did before I got married? Anything I wanted to!

Ya know what I did after I got married? NOTHING!!!!!

:o :( :cry:

I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always!

Stupidest Thing Ever Said:

"I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started." Donald Rumsfeld

:o :confused: :confused:

Enjoy life, don't extend it

Sign at a McDonald's in Minneapolis, Minnesota:

"Try A Steak Beagle For Breakfast Today!"

:o :confused:

3 FRIES SHORT OF A HAPPY MEAL!

Actual answer on an exam given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school:

Question: When driving through fog, what should you use?

Answer: Your car.

:o :confused:

Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

:eek:

Another Stupid Statement:

"I know that the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully."

George W. Bush

:confused: :confused: :confused:

Law of Probability:

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

:grin: :) :grin:

Comment written by a doctor on a patient's chart:

"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital".

:confused: :confused: :o

Law of the Telephone:

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Pizza counter clerk: Hey, you look like Adam Sandler.

Actor Adam Sandler: Yeah, I know.

Clerk: What's your name?

Sandler: Adam Sandler

Clerk: Whoa, that's a coincidence!

:confused: :confused: :o

Law of Location:

No matter where you go, you are there.

:whistle: :grin:

Family Feud television show question: Name a food that makes noise when you eat it.

Contestants stupid answer: A really loud hamburger!

:o :confused:

Law of Logical Argument:

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Another stupid statement:

"They know I know, and I know they know I know, but I don't know how much I know."

Jack Mildren, New England Patriots Defensive Back

:confused: :confused: